A profoundly insightful and challenging take on the beliefs we hold and narratives we tell ourselves.
Unfinished! 2024-05-03 beta!
This book is about reframing. It should persuade you to adopt thoughts because they’re useful to you, not because they’re true.
Before you can reframe, you need to remove the existing frame.
Before you can think a new way, you need to doubt the existing way.
It’s about being personal and pragmatic — finding what works for you, instead of trying to be universal and dogmatic — judging what’s true or right for others.
But before we begin, let’s define “true” as absolutely, necessarily, objectively true.
It’s not only in the mind.
This “true” means there is no other answer.
Notice that “not true” does not mean false! It means “not necessarily, absolutely, objectively true”. It means another possibility or perspective exists. Please remember that definition for the rest of this book to make sense.
And let’s define “useful” as whatever helps you do what you need to do, be who you want to be, or feel at peace.
“Useful not true” is an interesting subject, so let’s look at it in five steps:
“What time is it right now?”
For who? You? For most people in the world right now, that’s not the current time.
“What day is it today?”
For who? You? I’m in New Zealand, so it’s Saturday. For my friends in America, it’s Friday.
In Fiji, I went to the island of Taveuni. That’s where the international date line crosses. There’s a sign and a line on the ground. You can step back and forth across it. Left foot, Sunday. Right foot, Monday. It reminds you that dates are subjective. But your feet are in the sand, the waves rattle the shells, and that’s true.
“When does summer begin?”
For who? You? For half the planet, Christmas is summer. It’s freezing in July.
This is a silly but important reminder. People speak as if they’re stating facts. They say things like “You can’t do that” and “Here’s what women want”. But it’s just their current perspective. It’s their metaphorical time zone, which is probably different from yours.
They’re not wrong. It’s just not the only answer.
They say the camera never lies. But of course it does.
Someone shows you photos of happy people laughing. They say this is proof that people are doing well.
Someone else shows you photos of people looking sad. They say this is proof that people are miserable.
Ironically, all the photos were taken at the same place and the same time. Many of them were even the same people. But one camera focused on the happiness, and the other focused on the misery.
Both claim that their photos show the truth. But it was just one perspective. People only take pictures of what they want to show.
Remember this when someone gives facts as proof that their viewpoint is true. Facts can be true, while the perspective is not.
No picture is the whole picture. Everyone selects an angle and presents just one point of view.
Some people have damaged the fibers that connect the left and right hemispheres of their brain, and need to have that connection surgically severed. They live pretty normal lives even though the two sides of their brain are disconnected. Psychology researchers work with these people to better understand the brain.
They showed a patient a message in her right eye, saying, “Please close the window.” She got up and closed the window.
Then they showed a question to her left eye, “Why did you close the window?” She said she chose to do it because she was cold.
To another patient, a researcher said, to only one ear, “Please walk.” The patient started walking.
Then they asked his other ear, “Why did you walk?” He said he just felt like getting a drink.
Brain surgery has to be done while the patient is awake. When they’re poking in the brain, they keep the patient talking to make sure she’s OK. When they probed one area, she started laughing. They asked why she laughed. She said the picture on the wall is really funny. Later, when probing that same area again, while she was eating, she laughed again. This time, she said it’s because her fork is really funny.
These patients weren’t lying. They fully believed those were the real reasons.
These controlled experiments highlight something that everyone does. When asked for an explanation, the brain invents a reason and completely believes it. To that person, the explanation feels like absolute fact — the kind they swear is true, believe deeply in their core, and will fight to defend!
Think of the implications: major life choices, attraction, excitement, love, anger, anxiety, jealousy, fear, and interpersonal conflict. All of these are supported and defended by explanations that aren’t true.
People’s motives are unknowable. Let go of the need for a reason. Ignore their explanations. The only true facts are their actions.
When I was 17, I was driving recklessly and crashed into an oncoming car. I found out that I broke the other driver’s spine, and she’ll never walk again.
I carried that burden with me everywhere, and felt so horrible about it for so many years that at age 35 I decided to find this woman to apologize. I found her name and address, went to her house, knocked on the door, and a middle-aged woman answered. As soon as I said, “I’m the teenager that hit your car eighteen years ago and broke your spine,” I started sobbing — a big ugly cry, surfacing years of regret. She was so sweet, and hugged me saying, “Oh sweetie, sweetie! Don’t worry. I’m fine!” Then she walked me into her living room. Walked.
Turns out I had misunderstood. Yes she fractured a couple vertebrae but it never stopped her from walking. She said “that little accident” helped her pay more attention to her fitness, and since then has been taking better care of her health. Then she apologized for causing the accident in the first place. Apologized.
I said, “Well, no, it was my fault for ignoring the yield sign.”
She said, “No, it was my fault because I was eating while driving and not watching the road. You didn’t hit me. I hit you.”
Seems we had both thought the accident was our fault, and had spent eighteen years feeling bad about it. This time, she started crying and said, “It’s so stupid — these stories.”
Aim a laser pointer at the moon, then move your hand the tiniest bit, and it’ll move a thousand miles at the other end. The tiniest misunderstanding long ago, amplified through time, leads to giant misunderstandings in the present.
We think of the past like it’s a physical fact — like it’s real. But we never have all the information. One story based on one point of view: that’s what we call “the past”.
January 28, 1986, at 11:39am, the Space Shuttle exploded during liftoff, killing all seven crew members. It was a big deal. As soon as it happened, everyone stopped what they were doing to watch the TV updates.
Because it was a school day in America, a psychology professor handed out a questionnaire to his freshman students, asking what they had been doing moments earlier when they had first heard the news. Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing?
Then, he saved their answers for three years, for the sake of what came next.
Three years later, he gave those same students the same questionnaire, asking what they had been doing when the Space Shuttle exploded. After they answered, he asked how confident they were in their answers. Almost all of them said 100%.
Then he showed them their original answers from the day it happened. Nobody remembered correctly. Their answers were all different. Everybody had misremembered their own facts.
Memories feel like facts, but they’re not. People don’t doubt their memory, but you should.
By its very definition, “the future” doesn’t exist. It’s what we call predictions in our imagination.
People think that the more vivid the image is in their mind, the more likely it’s real. They say, “I’m sure it’s going to happen. I can feel it. I can picture it now.”
They tell you what’s going to happen, but they don’t know that, and it’s not necessarily true. They can’t even predict their own reactions. Winning the lottery or having an accident might be surprisingly bad or good. It would be smarter to be uncertain.
Goals, plans, optimism, pessimism, and predictions themselves are pointless. But they’re useful if they change behavior for the better. All that matters are current actions.
The best inventors believed their inventions would work, which fueled the necessary persistence. The best revolutions came from a shared vision of a better future, and their co-operation made it happen. So believing in one idea of the future can be helpful or harmful depending on how it affects your actions. “The future” is useful, not true.
People communicate for social and emotional reasons. (Notice the word “commune” in “communicate”.)
Socially, they want to bond. Judgements, gossip, ethical statements, and opinions are all great for signaling and connecting.
Emotionally, they want validation. Others acknowledge their feelings and respond by telling them they’re right and their feelings are justified. When you agree with someone’s point of view, it tells them that you’re standing on their side.
That’s why people rarely share objective unbiased facts. Actual facts are as boring as dirt. Nobody bonds over facts.
To the person speaking, these feel like facts, not opinions. They really think that house is overpriced, and you’re talking too much. But someone is happy to buy that house at that price, and someone wants you to talk more, so their statements are not necessarily true.
A person says, “That behavior is immoral and wrong.” But from another perspective, that behavior is moral and right. So, really, the person is just saying, “I don’t like it.”
You have to translate everything people say to separate all their perspectives from the few actual facts. Remember, they can be mixed together in one sentence like, “Here’s what happened and why.”
A young man in a hooded sweatshirt knocks at your door, hiding his face, looking nervously around. “Hey, hey, yeah, can I come in? I need a glass of water.” You say no, and don’t let him in.
A well-dressed old lady knocks at your door. “I’m so sorry, my dear, but I live nearby, I’m walking home, and started feeling faint. Could I trouble you for a glass of water?” You say yes of course, let her in, and get her a glass of water. After she thanks you and leaves, you notice your wallet is gone.
Language can be sneaky.
Someone talks about the honorable brave soldiers on our side, versus the evil cowardly terrorists on the other side. Those words are obviously suspicious — you can clearly see their bias — so you don’t let them into your beliefs.
Some well-dressed words sound like facts, so you let them in with your defenses down. But their hidden judgements will steal your clarity if you don’t stop them at the door.
Someone says, “My mother abandoned me.” Stop it right there. Get the actual facts. Turns out his mother had two full-time jobs, so he was raised by his grandmother in the same town, and stayed with his mother on weekends. So he’s really saying, “I felt abandoned.” OK. After you separate events from feelings, you can continue with clarity.
People try to pass off judgements as facts. For example:
Notice that words like these sound like facts about the person being judged, but they tell you more about the person judging.
Get to the actual facts, stripped of judgement and personal interpretation, to help everyone see more clearly. Judgements are often negative and feel bad to believe, so the speaker might even appreciate if you point out that their perspective is not necessarily true.
Family, friends, colleagues, and communities put social pressure on you to do what they want you to do. They say it’s your obligation, your duty, your responsibility. But those terms are social expectations. They’re not real. They’re not even universal. They’re just one way to see the situation.
The people saying it’s your obligation really just want you to do something. But instead of saying “I want,” they blame a higher legitimacy. It’s manipulative. They say their wishes are laws you must obey. But if they didn’t personally want you to do it, they would have said, “Don’t worry about it.”
Everyone has problems. Some wise philosophers say that all interpersonal troubles come from interfering with other people’s problems. To know whose problem is whose, think who ultimately benefits from it.
The boss says you need to work late. But that’s a flaw in the company’s system, which is their problem, not yours. Maybe working late would ultimately harm the company by keeping them from finding a more sustainable solution.
Parents say, “You need to take care of us when we’re old.” That’s useful but not necessarily true. Maybe everyone needs to prepare for their own future care.
They might say you’re a bad person for not doing what they want you to do. But that’s not true either. Maybe they’re just disappointed you’re not taking their wish as your command.
Kids make up rules for games.
Instead of playing by the rules, they’re playing with the rules — playing with the game itself. Changing the game is part of the fun. We can still do this.
Rules set expectations and the terms of the game. They’re a useful starting point, but they’re not the final answer.
Governments and businesses make rules, but those rules are as arbitrary as children’s games, created by a similar process. A few people in an office, tired and wanting to break for lunch, quickly dictated some new rules, and haven’t thought of it since. An assistant typed those rules into an official document. The person enforcing it just learned about it last week, and doesn’t really care, but doesn’t want to get in trouble. They treat these rules as true because it makes their job easier. But they’re negotiable.
My friend was part of a student protest in Chicago 35 years ago, when he was 18, and was arrested for a few hours. 30 years later, he and his wife went for a vacation in Australia. Upon arrival, the visa forms ask if you’ve ever been arrested. He ticked “yes”. The border control guy at the airport wouldn’t let him in the country and sent them back on the next flight to Chicago. He was devastated. Thousands of dollars lost. Vacation ruined. Before he left, the officer said, “I’m just doing my job, but here’s my unofficial advice. Next time, make it easier for everyone. Just tick ‘no’.”
Rules can be ignored. Sometimes, if a rule’s purpose is understood and respected, and the greater good is not harmed, it’s irrational and immoral to follow it.
Rules can be changed. Society doesn’t want rules to change, since most people don’t want the trouble. But improving the rules over time is necessary. Someone has to do it.
When someone thinks they can’t make change, they feel powerless and frustrated. When everyone thinks they can’t make change, a whole society can get hostile and undermine or try to destroy the entire system, since they think they’re unable to improve it. Helplessness is dangerous.
The world is as negotiable as a flea market in Marrakesh. Only a fool doesn’t haggle. Whenever presented with rules, think of it as a game that can be changed.
Middle of the night. You’re fast asleep. You hear a loud “BANG!” downstairs. Your body kicks into emergency danger mode. Eventually you find out that your cat knocked over the broom. Mystery solved. Back to sleep.
You’re trying to enjoy a quiet day at the park, but this annoying little girl won’t stop screaming. Why do parents let their kids do this? You leave the park, angry at a stranger. On your way out, you see the girl fell out of a tree, and her leg is clearly broken. Her mother and others are helping, but she’s screaming in pain. Your anger is replaced with sympathy.
These two stories are similar. When something is confusing, alarming, or unexplained, we assume the worst. But once it’s explained, we relax.
When we don’t understand someone, they feel like an outsider — maybe subconsciously an enemy. It’s primal and tribal to feel defensive. Our ancestors had reason to be wary, and survived by being suspicious. But once we learn the reason, cause, or origin of someone’s behavior or belief, we can start to feel empathy and connection.
Why do Hindus worship cows? Anthropologists say that because the population of India can’t sustainably support billions of cows, there was a practical reason why it was necessary to revere them: to prevent them from being eaten. Muslims and Jews don’t eat pork for similar reasons: because the landscape and heat of the Middle East is a bad environment for pigs. None of these explanations are necessarily true, but they’re useful to help turn alienation into empathy.
When someone believes something that seems crazy to you, consider what incentives, from their point of view, make that belief useful.
One of my best friends from Singapore was visiting me here in New Zealand last summer. She and I were upstairs when a local friend of mine came by and yelled from downstairs, “Yo D!” I yelled down, “We’re upstairs!” He let himself in, helped himself to a drink in the fridge, came up barefoot and sweaty, and laid down on the floor.
My Singaporean friend told me later this was really confusing, since the way this guy and I were acting towards each other was so rude. To me, it was the most endearing familiarity. Mi casa tu casa.
In her culture, you treat your best friends with the ultimate hospitality. But to me, that would feel off-putting, like I’m being kept at arm’s length.
Actions have no inherent meaning. To yell “come in” instead of answering the door can be offensive to one person and endearing to another. When someone tells you what something means, it’s never true because it’s not the only answer. It’s just one perspective. You might do something you think is polite, only to have someone tell you it’s rude.
A British woman moved to China and lived with a Chinese family for a year. She ate dinner with her host family every night, and became conversationally fluent in Mandarin.
One night, after she asked, “Could you please pass the salt?” her host mother scolded her, saying, “You’re being rude.”
The British woman was confused and said, “I’m sorry. I said ‘please’.”
The mother said, “Listen to us. We’re family. When we want salt, we just say ‘salt!’ You’re part of our family, too. Using those manners here in our home is rude because it treats us like strangers.”
Manners, norms, and meanings are never true. This is important to remember when people tell you this is good, that is bad, this means that, etc.
When I started writing this book, my friend asked me for an example of what I consider to be true. I said science. He’s a scientist, so he got a good long laugh and said, “No no no! Science is useful, but not true!” Then he explained.
In the scientific process, nothing is final or complete. Every conclusion is an invitation to improve it. Scientists learn about existing findings, question them, and try to supersede them.
Newton’s laws of motion from the 1600s work for most situations. They were good enough to get us to the moon. Then, Albert Einstein developed the theory of relativity, which showed that Newton’s laws are no longer sufficient. Then, quantum mechanics revealed limitations in Einstein’s theory. But yet, to launch a satellite into Earth’s orbit, we still use Newton’s laws since they’re simple and good enough for that purpose. The most accurate theory is not always the most useful.
No model is “true”. Each one is just less and less wrong. The scientific process is never done.
It’s helpful to be wrong or confused. Being wrong makes you try a different approach. Feeling confused makes you clarify or question your assumptions. It’s intellectual humility.
Lessons learned from this comparison:
A theory doesn’t have to be true to be useful. A rule of thumb can be far from true, but good enough to get you where you need to go.
I’m glad my scientist friend showed me that I was wrong.
Orbiting Earth are two aliens with two amazing devices. One device can see everything we do. The other can hear all of our thoughts.
They sit next to each other on their little spaceship, observing us. Let’s call them Watcher and Listener.
When one finds something exciting, he gives the other the coordinates, to check it out through the other device. This is where it gets confusing.
Listener finds an emergency — a human under attack! Ten people are ganging up on one, maliciously causing harm. Listener shares the coordinates, but Watcher finds almost nothing. One human, sitting alone, with nobody else around. They verify the location and confirm. The human’s mind is experiencing an attack that isn’t actually happening.
Watcher sees two humans in a building greet each other with the same word. Listener hears one experience a happy hello, while the other experiences an insult.
Watcher sees a human standing in a room for an hour, staring at a colorful painted rectangle on the wall. Listener hears so many emotions — the full human experience of connection, gratitude, hope, regret, and reconciliation.
They return to their planet, submit their findings, and get in trouble for their conflicting reports. They say humans must have access to another dimension since we experience events that aren’t actually happening.
Did you notice that all of the chapters until now have been about other people? It’s so easy to see their faults. So full of nonsense, with their weird beliefs, thinking they’re so right. It’s much harder to find fault in yourself.
Only after I see mistakes in others do I realize that I make those same mistakes. That’s why I put the chapters in this order. First I pointed at other people so you could clearly see their faulty thinking. Now maybe you realize that you make those same mistakes.
You think you’re stating facts, but it’s just your perspective and doesn’t apply to others.
Your meanings and morals are internal. You think they’re true, but they’re just one point of view.
This book, start to finish, is entirely about you. Maybe to other people, you’re the one that’s full of nonsense, thinking you’re so right, thinking your beliefs are actually true.
A traveler comes to a river and sees a local woman on the opposite bank. He yells across, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”
She yells back, “You are on the other side of the river!”
An American woman went on a vacation to Scotland. Talking with a group of people there, she said, “I just love your accent!”
They said, “We don’t have an accent. You do.”
Did ancient people really worship Zeus, Athena, Odin, Loki, Thor and all of that? They knew those were just stories, right? Foreigners have weird beliefs we call superstitions. But when it comes to our own beliefs? No no no! Those are just true!
You take some principles or values very seriously. You think of them as undeniable truths. But to other people, you are the one with silly beliefs.
See yourself from the other side of the river. You have an accent. Since you know their beliefs aren’t true, you have to realize that yours are also not true.
Derren Brown called Simon Pegg and asked him to secretly write down something he wants for his birthday. Simon wrote “leather jacket”. He sealed it in an envelope, signed the seal, kept it securely in his wallet, and told nobody.
A few days later, they met in a TV studio, cameras rolling. You can find the video by searching “Derren Brown Simon Pegg”.
Derren greeted him and gave a little speech for a minute of some blah blah about how he likes to choose presents. Then he asked Simon, “What’s your dream present?” Simon said, “A BMX bike. Red.” And there in the studio, hidden in a box that whole time, was a red BMX bike.
Simon was amazed that Derren had perfectly predicted exactly what he wanted. So Derren asked Simon to open that sealed envelope, to confirm that’s what he had written. Simon opened it and saw that he had actually written “leather jacket”. He was confused and said he doesn’t remember writing that, even though it’s definitely his handwriting and has been sealed in his wallet this whole time, but he has no need for a leather jacket, and wanted a red BMX bike all along.
In the video, Derren shows you how he did this trick. He had filled the TV studio with subliminal visual hints, and that blah blah speech was actually carefully crafted with hidden references to a BMX bike. Simon walked in wanting a leather jacket, and two minutes later was convinced that he had always wanted a red BMX bike.
Your identity and choices seem authentic and true. But you’re subconsciously influenced by everything you see and hear. You have no idea why you want what you want or choose what you do.
There was a crime out on Park Avenue today, so the police are gathering information.
A helpful witness said, “He had a red mustache, green eyes, and a scar by his right ear. He was 6-foot-1 and had a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder.”
The police said, “This is great information. How sure are you of this?”
The witness said, “I’m completely sure. 100% positive. I mean, I didn’t see it first-hand because I was inside the back room with no windows, but I think I heard someone whispering something like this.”
That’s your brain, in the dark, inside your skull. It can’t see or hear, or experience anything directly. It interprets little signals sent through nerves, which is not much information to work with, so it’s often mistaken. But it tells you it’s completely sure. 100% positive.
The movies that scare me the most are the ones where the hero realizes he can’t trust his own mind. “Vanilla Sky”, “Memento”, “A Beautiful Mind”, “Jacob’s Ladder”, “The Others”, “Fight Club”, “The Sixth Sense”, and “The Matrix”. It’s terrifying to find out you’re crazy. What you thought was real is not. But if you can’t trust your mind, what can you do?
In each of these movies, the hero gets through it for the better. When he finds out his mind has been tricking him, it’s upsetting, but he adapts. His mind was at odds with reality, but can now see the difference. It’s even a relief, because it explains some frustrating moments of confusion in his past.
Since old beliefs were disproven, the hero takes in reality with clear eyes. He carefully proceeds with less confidence and more humility. So can you.
Kids scream, “Monster in the hallway!”, and hide behind the couch. They stack up cushions for protection, and plan their defense. They know there’s not really a monster in the hallway, but it’s exciting to feel the adrenaline of panic, to make a shelter and feel safe.
One kid yells, “The floor is hot lava!” Leaping between furniture is a fun challenge.
One slips and wails, “Help! I’m falling! Save me! Save me!” Now one kid can feel protected, while the other gets to be the rescuing hero.
Mom calls, “Pancakes are ready!”, and all stories stop when the kids run into the kitchen.
Kids believe anything fun for a while. It’s called “make believe” because they’re making up beliefs.
The game has a purpose. Each belief gives them a new situation, and lets them adopt a new role like protector or inventor.
Grown-ups have their own version of make believe:
None of these statements are true. But people like the way it feels to believe.
Beliefs have a purpose. They help people adopt a perspective or identity. Beliefs help people take action, or cooperate with others. The only problem is when people confuse belief with reality, and insist that something is absolutely true because they believe it.
Beliefs don’t exist outside the mind. (Have you ever seen one in nature?) All beliefs are make believe.
Whenever someone says, “I believe …”, then whatever they say next is not true. If it was a fact, there would be no need to declare a belief.
You don’t say, “I believe in squirrels.” You don’t say, “I believe squares have four sides.” It’s just a fact, so there’s no need to take a stance.
You say “I believe” when it’s not a fact that everyone can see. Since people view it differently, you share your perspective on how you see it.
A belief is something you think is true, without proof. A fact is an objective reality — something proven true — verified with conclusive evidence.
No beliefs are true. If a belief was proven true, it would no longer be a belief.
Galileo believed the planets orbit around the sun, but he didn’t have proof. Hundreds of years later, when it was proven true, it ceased to be a belief and became a fact. But in his lifetime, it was just a belief.
Beliefs are a stance on what’s inconclusive. You have to say “I believe …” because it’s not the only answer. It’s not a fact. (Not yet.)
Some beliefs are basically facts, but without absolute proof. Tomatoes are a vegetable. Tonight’s movie starts at 7:00. If someone shows me proof that tomatoes are actually a fruit and the movie starts at 8:00, well, cool! I’m glad to be corrected.
Some beliefs make people really emotional. Think of one of your particularly strong beliefs. If someone showed you absolute proof that your belief is wrong, would you be glad to be corrected? Would you instantly change your mind? Why not? Maybe you see that belief as a part of who you are? Would changing it change your public persona? Your self-identity?
Some people, when challenged on their beliefs, get all upset and scream, “But I believe this deeply in my heart of hearts!”
Wow, look at all that emotion! It must actually be true! Yeah, right. As if the amount of emotion measures the truth of the belief.
Maybe it measures the opposite. If it was absolutely objectively true, there would be no need to get upset. You could just point to the conclusive proof. That’s that.
Instead, you might be using that word “believe” to mean “my identity depends on this”. Especially if you go around telling everyone your beliefs.
To change the frame around a painting, you first remove the existing one. To think of something differently, you need to dislodge your first thought.
That’s why to limit the definition of “true”.
Whatever you consider “true” is closed. No questioning. No doubts. It’s a fact, and that’s that.
To call something “not necessarily true” opens it. It helps you get past your first thought, and consider other possibilities.
Here’s a common optical illusion:
Two horizontal lines, the same length. The top one has diagonal lines going out from its edges. The bottom one has diagonal lines going in from its edges.
Your instincts insist that the top line is obviously longer. But if you measure them to confirm, you’ll prove to yourself they’re actually the same. So your wisdom has to go against your instincts, and remind yourself they are actually the same, even though it feels wrong. You override your instincts with wisdom.
You don’t want a drill. You want a hole in the wall. So what do you really want when you seek “the truth”?
You can gather raw facts, but there are infinite facts, so you select and filter and interpret them. Like cotton plants or sheep’s wool, facts are processed before they’re used. Is that seeking the truth? Or just material for a story?
You can use facts as weapons. Are you preparing for arguments? Keeping facts in hand to defend your viewpoint and attack others? Facts can win a battle but not a war.
When you make a big decision, you want to feel well-informed and certain. But that’s an emotional state unrelated to the facts. You’ll ignore a mountain of evidence if you hear one good story against it or just feel yourself leaning the other way. Most emotions can’t be persuaded.
You need to feel good about your choices. Emotion decides. Facts rationalize. You’ll find whatever truth is useful.
Ask yourself why you want the truth. What do you plan to do with it? What’s the real outcome?
Every day you go for a run.
Sometimes you feel yourself lagging, so you imagine there’s a tiger on your tail, and that adrenaline gives you a turbo boost.
Sometimes you feel like quitting, so you picture a pot of gold at the end, and that helps you finish.
A running expert says you should act like you’re running on hot coals, to keep you on the front of your feet. You try it, and it improves your stamina and energy.
Sometimes, just for a change, you try running barefoot, or with your eyes closed, or with your arms out like an airplane. Every time you hear or think of a new way to run, you try it to see how it works and how you feel. The variety is fun.
One day, you realize you could make this path better for others, so you bring a shovel to smooth out bumps and fill in holes. You imagine future runners being thankful for whoever did this.
All you changed was the image in your mind, and that changed your emotions and actions. Tiger, pot of gold, hot coals, airplane, future thankful runners. Ideas and beliefs are tools. Choose them for the desired effect.
If you believe there’s danger right behind you, you’ll feel scared and focus all of your energy and attention on avoiding it.
If you believe there’s a big reward at the end, you’ll feel determined and push through your current pain — a small sacrifice for the eventual gain.
If you believe this is meant to be fun, you’ll feel playful and find creative new ways to entertain yourself with no pressure.
Beliefs cause emotions. Emotions cause actions. Choose a belief for the action it will cause.
Picturing one future makes you quit. Picturing another future makes you jump up, full of inspiration and action. A single thought can exhaust you or motivate you.
One thought makes you act selfish. Another makes you act generous.
One thought makes you do something stupid. Another makes you do something smart.
Which belief is right? Wrong question. Which belief will lead to the action you need now? Choose beliefs that are useful, not true.
One man believed God was on his side. He often lost his temper, hurt people, and did more harm than good. But he believed that what matters is what’s in his heart, since God will forgive his actions and see his good intentions.
Another man was full of doubt but followed the rules of his religion. He stopped to pray five times a day, and donated to charity. He was calm and kind to everyone, no matter how he felt. He was never sure about his beliefs, but kept that to himself, since what mattered were his actions.
What is the point of beliefs if they don’t shape actions? It’s easy to see the point of good actions without beliefs. It’s easy to see which is better for the world.
Does it really matter what’s in someone’s mind?
Someone can practice a religion while questioning its beliefs, or believe its beliefs while not adhering to its practices.
Beliefs are systems of thought or ideologies. Capitalism, stoicism, and feminism are beliefs.
Religions have behaviors, practices, and organization. Zen Buddhism is a religion with basically no beliefs.
There was no word for “religion” in most Asian, American, African, and Australian languages. The idea was introduced by Europeans. Before that, their word for spiritual practices was “law”, “duty”, “righteousness”, or “the way”. Even the Latin root of “religion” (religio) means “obligation”. Following a religion means doing, not just believing.
Each religion is defined by its opposition. Protestants are not Catholics. Shias are not Sunnis. Christians, Muslims, and Jews are not pagans. Every religious believer knows other people believe something else. Therefore no religion’s beliefs are true, since conflicting beliefs exist. (Remember, “not true” does not mean false, but just not the only answer.)
But we can’t say religions are not true, because that would be like saying dinner is not true. It’s something you do. It’s action and organization. Religion is not just in your mind.
People argue that their beliefs are true and other people’s beliefs are false. But if they focus instead on the practices — the actions — they might find they actually have no problem with other people’s religion.
Two carpenters were fixing some stairs. The older one liked to work. The younger one liked to question.
The older one grabbed a measuring tape from the toolbox and started measuring. The younger one said, “What would be the perfect tool?”
The older one grabbed a saw and started cutting. The younger one said, “Like if you could only have one tool for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
The older one grabbed a chisel and started fixing the edge. The younger one said, “It would probably be a thick heavy level with a blade, ruler, chisel and saw, all built-in.”
The older one grabbed a sanding block and finished the sanding. The younger one said, “If they made that, that’d be the last tool I’d ever need.”
The job was finished, so the older one put away his tools and closed the toolbox to go. The younger one said, “Unless it would be smarter to just master the chisel, like a sculptor, right?” He kept talking as they left.
My cousin took a course on a complete system for physical fitness and health, and followed every bit of its advice. She had great results at first. But then she saw the coach’s social media posts, and hated his political beliefs, so now she doesn’t follow that course at all.
A best-selling book on psychology is filled with wisdom that would improve your life, if applied. But a few sentences were found to be plagiarized, or some of its studies don’t replicate. So people trash the whole book and refuse to read or recommend it.
That’s the problem with judging a box instead of its contents. It’s seeking “true” instead of useful. When any aspect of a package is flawed, it no longer feels “true”, so all of it is discarded. Then you lose the benefits — the baby with the bathwater.
Think of a famous person you despise, perhaps a political leader or celebrity that represents everything wrong with the world. Now imagine hearing that person say something you really like. Hard to imagine, right? You’ve probably pre-decided that anything that comes out of that person’s mouth is going to be bad. No matter what they say, you’re against it, in advance. Judging someone as good or bad, instead of each individual idea as useful or not.
Ideally, you’d listen without prejudice to ideas from anyone. Judge the contents, not the box. Unpack ideology. Find what’s useful, not true.
You make great cookies — so great that an international manufacturer bought your recipe for ten million dollars.
Your friends back home are blown away. They’ve never even met a millionaire, so your ten million dollars is unbelievable. They say your entire extended family is set for life, and your future descendants too.
Your current friends are a little impressed, but more alienated. You sold out. You crossed over. You’re one of those rich people now, and we all know what that means.
You ask your accountant in the city what you should do now that you’re set for life — how should you invest this ten million dollars? He says you shouldn’t get too comfortable, because it’s not a lot of money. “Definitely not enough to live on.”
You decide to buy a home. You grew up in a high crime area, so you’ve always longed for a home where your kids can be safe. You find a great house for sale in a gated neighborhood, safe as can be, and make an offer. The association looks at your financial records and says, “Sorry, due to bad experiences, we don’t allow the newly rich.”
You visit the poor but gorgeous country where you had a great vacation. Buying a home there would be luxury in paradise. Donating some of your savings to the community would lift hundreds of people out of poverty. You’d be a hero.
The only true fact is you have ten million dollars. Facts have no meaning, so it can mean whatever you want. Want to feel super-rich or not-yet-rich? Want to get back to your roots? Show your current friends you’re not a sellout? Keep working harder to get more status? Go be a hero to hundreds?
Which meaning inspires you to action? Which meaning helps you be who you want to be?
There was a famous man who did many great things. I can’t say his name here, but you probably know who I’m talking about.
After he died, they told stories glorifying him, painting him as flawless. But one story said he was not as great as he seemed — saying he was actually very flawed.
A young boy really looked up to this hero. The glorifying stories inspired him by showing him a role model of greatness. The boy worked as hard as he could and held himself to that high standard every day. But when he heard the disparaging story, his pursuit was no longer whole-hearted, and he became aimless.
A different boy never liked that famous man. The glorifying stories discouraged him because they set an impossible standard. So when he heard the disparaging story, he got inspired. “If that jerk can do it, anyone can.” This mindset made him work harder than ever to surpass the great bastard.
The two boys are a metaphor for your own internal incentives. It applies to stories of all types. Are you more inspired to think you’re great at what you do, or have a long way to go? Does it help you to believe people can or can’t be trusted? Do you like to see your life as shaped by destiny or chance?
No picture is the whole picture. You point your camera wherever you want. Notice which perspective empowers you, making you take the actions you need. Then select your story accordingly.
In Harry Potter, there’s a magic mirror that reflects the viewer’s desire. What Harry sees in that mirror is very different than what Dumbledore or Ron sees, because their desires are all different.
Imagine if there was something similar that shows you what you most need to believe right now. It shows proof to support whatever perspective would most benefit you. Upon seeing it, you instantly believe it, internalize it, and act upon it.
We don’t have to imagine this magic device. We already do this in real life. We find proof to support whatever perspective we need to believe.
We don’t have to argue what’s in the magic mirror, which viewpoints are true or not, because everyone needs different beliefs for their different situations.
I was at a workshop, and right before dinner, the teacher wrote this on the whiteboard:
LIFE IS…
He told us to think about what goes in the blank. He said that after dinner, he’d reveal the meaning of life.
At dinner, I was at a table with seven other people, each arguing about what should go in that blank.
Each was arguing that their answer was definitely the right one. I’m usually talkative, but I stayed quiet and just listened. Because there were different valid perspectives, it seemed clear that none of these could be the answer.
Then I thought maybe there is no answer — there is no built-in meaning. Maybe life is like a blank canvas for everyone to project their own meaning into.
Oh! Maybe that’s why the teacher wrote: “LIFE IS __”. Maybe that’s not a question! Maybe “__” is the answer. Ooooh that’s good. I like that a lot.
After dinner, yeah, my hunch was right — that’s what the teacher intended. He pointed up and asked, “What’s the meaning of this ceiling?” Someone said, “It provides shelter.” Someone else said, “Safety. Structure.” The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. The ceiling itself has no meaning. It’s just a ceiling.”
He asked everyone, “What does it mean that you’re here today?” Someone said, “It means I’m trying to improve myself.” Someone else said, “It means I’m committed.” The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. Your presence here today has no inherent meaning.”
Then he asked, “So what’s the meaning of life?” This time people’s answers were emphatic, each arguing for their favorite meaning. The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. Life itself has no meaning.” Now people were upset, saying this whole workshop was a scam and they want their money back since they expected an answer.
But I like that “___” answer a lot. Not just for the meaning of life, but for everything.
You love travelling. What does it mean? You must be running away from something? You’re privileged? You’re a curious soul, searching for answers? Nah. Nothing has inherent meaning. Whatever meaning you project into it is your own.
You were just thinking of your long-lost friend this morning, and then they contacted you for the first time in years. What does it mean? Our psychic connections bind us? Our souls are in sync? The universe is sending out energy waves that we can feel? I mean, if you like that idea, why not? If that makes life feel more special, more magical… If that makes you curious about the unseen forces all around us… If that makes you marvel and wonder, then maybe that meaning works for you. Great. Give that event that meaning. That’s coming from you. Though maybe you need to believe it’s true to feel its magic power.
Meanings can help you feel your life is important, with a narrative and purpose. Meanings can help you make peace with events out of your control. Meanings can give you a reason to persist in difficult times. But they’re internal, not external. They’re yours, not others’.
Me? I like the “____”. I like the blank canvas. I love that nothing, in itself, has built-in meaning. I love the creative power of choosing my own. Meanings are useful, not true.
I originally had a little made-up story here about a healing cat statue, but instead, I’m just going to say it directly.
Jerusalem is one of my favorite places. I hope to live there some day. Whenever I visit, I meet people who say they moved there from across the world because of the power of this place. They all say “it has an energy” and “you can feel it”, as if it’s a fact.
I’ve been to Bethlehem, the Temple Mount, and walked the Via Dolorosa. I’ve touched the Wailing Wall and the stones that held up Jesus’ cross. I find them fascinating, but still just rocks — rocks with lots of meaning to other people. I feel no special energy.
But yet, when I’m in London, Manhattan, or Los Angeles, I feel that power they describe. (Feel free to tease me for this.) These places charge me, inspire me, and have real effects on my actions, maybe because many of my heroes created their greatest work in these places. So the power comes not from the place itself, but the meaning we give it.
This applies to anything. Meanings are entirely in the mind, yet their power is real, but only for those who believe it.
And any meaning that’s holding you back loses its power when you stop believing it.
There are some interesting videos out there made by artificial intelligence researchers who create a bunch of little digital stick figure characters, with legs and arms, and let them figure out how to walk. Nobody teaches the characters how to walk. They have to figure it out for themselves by trying all possible actions until something works. If they’re upright and moving towards the destination, it’s working.
It’s interesting to see what they’re doing wrong. One is face down, moving arms and legs, but never getting upright. One keeps falling backwards.
From our point of view, it’s obvious what simple correction they need to be more effective. Instead of just watching, let’s help them.
Yes these are metaphors for our own personal thriving and effectiveness. Everyone has their own obstacles that get in the way of their flourishing. There’s a fix for each — a way to compensate for each tendency to get off track — a little help to get where they’re going.
Some need to be lifted up off the ground. Some need heavy boots to stay grounded. Some need blinders to stay focused. Everyone has a different nature, a different history, and requires different fixes.
Oh! Wait! Look! The little AI characters have started helping each other!
The one that was helped by a balloon on its head? It’s trying to put balloons on everyone’s head! The one that was helped by heavy boots? It’s trying to give everyone heavy boots!
How cute! Each one thinks that what worked for them will work for everyone. It’s understandable, but what a disaster!
I’m glad real people don’t do that.
People say, “He made me so angry” or “Look what you made me do.” as if they were unable to do anything else, and had no choice.
The core idea is that we can’t help the way we feel. But of course we can! Think a different way and you’ll feel a different way. You choose your reaction. Not the first one, but the next.
There’s a crucial moment inbetween when something happens, and when you actually respond. It’s an important life skill. It’s as easy as this:
The hardest part is #2: getting past that first thought. That’s why I keep saying “not necessarily true” — to help loosen that frame.
But next, let’s talk about #3: considering other viewpoints.
Every chapter was preparation for this. Now you turn thought into action. You removed the old frame, so now you can reframe.
Pick a problem or situation you want to improve. Come up with radically different ways to see it. Brainstorm. Use questions to find new perspectives. Push past the easy answers to get to the more surprising ones.
Questions are dangerous. Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Asking “Why am I stuck?” assumes that you’re stuck and invents damaging answers. Asking “How can I get there?” assumes there’s a way and focuses on taking action.
Your emotional state will color your answers. When you’re upset, if you ask a question like, “What’s great about this?” your first answer will be, “Nothing! This is just terrible!”
But keep asking. Don’t take “nothing” for an answer, because the whole point of this is to change your mind and help you see a new way.
When solving a jigsaw puzzle, where do you start? With the edges. Same with solving your puzzle. Start with the edge cases. Do nothing. Do everything. Go crazy. Destroy. Quit and be a monk. Finding these edges will help you fill in the middle.
A friend of mine got a puppy, a beagle. So cute, but she wouldn’t stop chewing on everything.
She chewed up the arm of his favorite chair. A week later, she chewed up his guitar.
One day he came home to find the puppy had destroyed his entire living room. She was in the corner, hiding, looking guilty. He screamed at her, and decided that he had to give her back to the shelter.
He went to change his clothes, opened his bedroom door, and noticed his bedroom was trashed, too. The dresser drawers were all opened. Then he realized what had happened. It wasn’t the dog. He’d been robbed!
He went back and looked again at the living room, and now it was clear. The TV was gone. He thought it was the dog, for good reason. But things are not always as they seem.
A mountain of evidence is not proof. The obvious answer is not always true.
A bad detective sees a crime scene and concludes that what seems evident must be true. But when someone doubts that initial report, they call Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes doubts everything. He knows things might not be as they seem. He doesn’t believe anything people say. He considers other possibilities and looks with more creativity.
In your case, you’re trying to find a more useful perspective. What seems like a dead end might actually be a great opportunity. What seems like your weakness might work in your favor. What seems impossible might be achievable if approached a different way. You look beyond the obvious to find a solution.
If you know a room has a secret door, you look harder. You push and pull every item, and you don’t stop until you find it. Same with your thoughts. Every bad situation has a good way out.
Your instinct is a bad detective. After its initial report, call on your great detective to doubt everything, look deeper, and consider creative possibilities.
When stuck on a problem, reframe the problem.
The best process I’ve found when feeling bogged down is to ask what’s the real point. What do I really want? And what’s the point of that? I ask those questions again until I get to the real outcome. Finally, I ask what’s the most direct way to get there.
It’s like I’m trying to climb a mountain, focused on the pickaxe and ropes, then realize that all I really want is to get to the other side, so it would be better to go around. Take a shortcut.
You know the metaphor of trying to put a square peg in a round hole? The lid with the hole is an unnecessary obstacle. If you really want to put that peg in that box, just remove the lid entirely. Norms and permissions can be like that lid.
Someone says, “Count to ten.” You could start counting one, two, three. Or you can jump directly to ten and keep counting by tens. The road where you’re going has a slow lane and a fast lane.
It’s shocking how different and simple the solution can be when I go straight for what I want. It’s much more effective.
When I’m feeling troubled, it helps to look around at the actual facts. Am I in physical danger? Am I actually stuck? No. It’s a nice reminder that the trouble is in my head.
It helps to get away from all people. Avoid those minds that insist that their viewpoint is urgent and true. Shut off my devices so people can’t reach me. Distance myself from my own thoughts, too. Go to a place where the natural world is doing its thing, regardless of humans. Ideally deep into nature and stay a few days, but a beach or a tree for an hour will do.
Fill my senses with reality. Wind is blowing. Earth is spinning. Nature carries on. Humans are just another chattering species, making noise like monkeys and dogs.
Almost nothing people say is true. My thoughts aren’t true. Norms, obligations, the past, the future, and fears: none of it is real.
Start from scratch. Focus on the few actual facts. Everything else is up for reframing.
The movie “500 Days of Summer” is a great example of reframing the past. We see many scenes of a boy and a girl happily in love, but always from his point of view. Then suddenly, the girl says, “I think we should stop seeing each other.” The boy is shocked and confused, and sinks into depression because he’s convinced that she’s his true love, and he doesn’t understand why she would break up since they were so happy.
Eventually, his little sister says, “I think you’re just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, you should look again.”
Then the movie does something wonderful. It replays those same scenes it showed before, but now with a different edit.
Before, we saw her smile at him, but now the camera watches longer, and we see her smile was fake, lasting only a second. Now we see they had many fights. Before, we saw them holding hands, but now we see he tried to hold her hand and she refused it, pulling away. Now we see that she never loved him. The signs were there all along.
He had been focusing only on the happy memories, ignoring the rest. When he focuses on the bad memories, her breakup is not confusing or even painful. This perspective helps him make peace with the past and move on.
Consider this cinematic approach for the memories that haunt you. You decide where the story should start and end. Replay your past from different angles until you find the lesson or closure you need.
On the Olympic podium stood the winners of the gold, silver, and bronze medal. The silver medalist was so angry at herself for not being just a little bit faster — just milliseconds away from winning the gold. The bronze medalist was so happy with herself, just milliseconds away from winning nothing.
The former student was disheartened that she was failing at everything, so she went back to visit her old teacher. When she told him her troubles, the old man said, “Guess my secret number from 1 to 100.”
“50?”
“Higher.”
“75?”
“Lower.”
With each try she smiled more, until she correctly guessed the number. Then she thanked him for the reminder that each wrong guess is one step closer to success.
Two Japanese businessmen visiting Brazil had scheduled lunch to be delivered at 12 noon. When the food finally arrived at 3pm, one of the men was furious. The other man was amused to witness this example of how differently their cultures treat time, and laughed at his own expectations.
A woman returned home to the unthinkable: her house had burned to the ground. She ran screaming into the rubble, as firefighters and neighbors sadly watched. And there, hiding by the tree, was her beloved dog, in perfect health. Everyone gave condolences for her loss, but she was so deeply happy, holding her dog, telling everyone that she hadn’t lost a thing.
A couple had been married for many years, but just divorced. The man’s friends approached him with sad sensitivity, “Ooooh. So sorry. You must be devastated. Can I help?” But one friend greeted him with joy saying, “Congratulations! Nobody leaves a great relationship, so this is good news!” Since then, he sees his breakup as positive.
How long should we mourn a loved one’s death? For some people it’s years or the rest of their life. But in a traditional New Orleans funeral, musicians accompany the coffin down the street, and after a few minutes of a solemn slow dirge, the music turns festive in a happy celebration. The funeral is a parade to honor that person’s life, and the focus turns from grief to appreciation. Switching from sad to happy is always an option, even at the worst times in life.
I once dumped a wonderful woman with no warning. It was the wrong thing to do, and I later felt horrible about it. When I told my friends, they said, “It’s OK. It’s for the best.” I said, “No! I need this pain of regret to remember not to do that again.” We don’t always need positivity.
I’m pretty bad at bowling and frisbee. I roll the ball or throw the disc straight at the target, but away it curves.
After this happens a couple times, I adjust. I stop aiming straight since that’s not working. If it always curves to the left, I aim to the right.
It feels wrong to aim away from the target. But it curves back to the center. It works.
Same with thoughts. I try to think straight. But sometimes my thoughts miss.
I would underestimate how long a project would take. So now I double my estimate — (aim to the right) — which brings it closer to the truth. It feels wrong, because I really do think it will take a month, but out loud I say “two months”. Now my estimates hit the target.
Aiming your thinking away from the target feels wrong but makes it right.
Another definition of the word “true” means straight and accurate. And the word “bias” means angled or curved. So we can choose beliefs that are not true because they’re useful to compensate for our bias.
When reframing, you’ll hit a moment of thinking, “But that’s just who I am.” Or for a new idea, “I could never do that.”
But you know those actions that got you to where you are now? Those are not the same actions you need to get you where you want to go next. What got you here won’t get you there. You need to change your approach.
You say it’s your nature, but seasons change, and you’ve changed since you were a child. Great artists change their trademark style, to keep growing. Stop defining yourself in a limiting and over-simplified way. You have different aspects to your personality.
Directions take turns. Going one way can work until it doesn’t. To get you where you want to go next, what direction is needed?
The more tools you have at hand, the better. Sometimes you need detachment, other times engagement. Take massive immediate action, or be patient and wait.
I wrote a weird little book called “How to Live” where each chapter declared it has the answer, but each disagreed with the rest. Do everything all at once. Do nothing like a monk. Live for the future. Live for the present. Selflessly serve humanity. Go get rich. Commit to one thing. Commit to nothing. Etc. People asked which one I prefer, but the answer is all of them.
A philosophy is a tool in the toolbox. Use whatever you need when you need it.
Go broad. Think almost opposite again and again, going all the way around like a spirograph. Learn to use many different viewpoints, and keep them at hand.
Los Angeles, 1952. Igor Stravinsky, the composer, was 70 years old, and rehearsing the orchestra.
A young girl who lived next to the orchestra hall snuck in through the back door to listen to the rehearsals. She watched the violins, cellos, flute, trumpet, clarinet, harp, percussion, and piano. She wondered which one should be her favorite. There were too many options. She needed to pick one. During a break, she got up the courage to ask the maestro.
Stravinsky’s friend and writer Robert Craft was there, so that’s why this moment is captured.
The young girl went up to Stravinsky and said, “Excuse me. Which of these instruments is the best one?” He was surprised and amused, and took the challenge.
He said, “You hear sounds, but I hear life. Every instrument is a philosophy. Every philosophy is an instrument.” She just looked at him, confused, so he continued.
“You could pick just one instrument, one philosophy. But wouldn’t it be more interesting to play them all?”
The girl said, “What?!? Nobody can play them all! How could I?”
Stravinksy said, “Let’s say, as a young woman, you go out into the world to meet new people, full of multiculturalism and humanism. You do something daring, filled with optimism. Then you start a family and have time for nothing but pragmatism. You lose a loved one and comfort yourself with stoicism. But it makes no sense, so you’re drawn to existentialism. Then, to feel grounded, you reach to tradition and fundamentalism. See? So many instruments!”
The girl said, “What if I want to pick just one?”
He said, “Most people do pick just one. They think their instrument is the best! Go ask anyone in this orchestra, and they’ll give you indisputable proof why their instrument is better than all others. You’ll never convince that cellist that the clarinet is better, so why try? Just like religions, cultures, and philosophies, right?”
There was a long pause. The girl said, “So, which do you think is the best?”
Stravinsky smiled and said, “Time.”
“Time?”
“Time! I can separate the instruments with time. Or I can combine them at the same time. Different instruments for different times in the music. Different philosophies for different times in your life. You can play every instrument, and every philosophy, if you use time, and combine. Time itself is my favorite instrument.”
The girl seemed satisfied, and walked back to the balcony to listen again.
We tend to think in terms of true and false and right and wrong. But that’s trying to be universal and dogmatic. Forget everyone else. Think personal and pragmatic.
You only need a thought that’s useful to you right now. It helps you see a better path or strategy. It makes you take action immediately. Maybe it counter-balances your nature. Or it helps you make peace with your unique situation.
You won’t need to convince anyone it’s true. It’s only for you. The only reason to adopt this thought is because it improves your current actions.
The boxer in training needs to believe he’s got a long way to go. But as he steps into the ring, he needs to believe he’s the greatest. Despite winning, the next day, he’s back to believing he’s got a long way to go.
Adopt whatever mindset you need right now. Fully embrace it and embody it while it serves its purpose.
Once you find a viewpoint you want to adopt, a great tool to internalize it is a private journal. Whether you write, type, or just talk, the point is to fill your mind with this new perspective.
Come back and review your journal often, so you can remind yourself of your decision, reasons, vision, and plan.
After you privately internalize a belief, talk about it with friends. Explaining it to different people helps you refine it. They might see an angle or consequence you hadn’t considered.
You hear it for the first time outside your own mind. You’ll hear it sound wrong or right when telling someone else.
It feels like an announcement. It helps solidify the decision. You can ask them for help to support your choice, and to hold you to it.
We know ourselves through others. If people say you have nice eyes, then you must have nice eyes. When your friends acknowledge your belief and echo it back to you, discussing it with you, it really feels like reality.
I spent basically my whole life in America, and had no desire to travel or be anywhere else. But one day I was thinking about growing older, and how people get stuck in their ways as they age. I thought what a learning experience it would be to move somewhere far away — somewhere that surprises me every day. Doing that often would be great for my brain.
The more I wrote about it in my journal, the more I felt it matched my values. So, out of curiosity, I looked up the price of a flight to London. I picked a random departure date four months away, and a return date six months after that. It was only $400 round trip — a crazy sale price too good to miss. So without hesitation, I typed in my credit card and booked it.
It took a few seconds to realize what I’d done. I just committed to moving to London for six months. Whoa.
Four years later, I was living in Singapore, had a baby with a woman from India, and moved to New Zealand to raise him. I’m a citizen of three countries now, and deeply happy with my life. I think of the impact of impulsively booking that flight.
On the other hand, there were many times where I thought I wanted something — in theory — then took the first step, and realized I was wrong. Taking action tests your thought in reality.
Here’s a good rule from experience: If you’re considering something destructive — that would hurt someone or yourself — be very reluctant, keeping all other options in mind for some time. But for anything else, take the first step immediately, without hesitation.
When I got my first guitar, the nice man at the shop put on new strings and tuned it. A week later, I brought it back to the shop because it sounded terrible. He told me it was just out of tune. I said, “But you tuned it already!” He explained that I constantly have to re-tune it every time I play.
Same with adopting a new mindset. Every week, back in the journal, reflecting, talking with friends, and making adjustments.
Sometimes you need to stick to the plan exactly, and only adjust your thoughts. Sometimes you need to change the plan. Use your wisdom to decide.
Don’t be discouraged when you go off course. A big benefit of keeping a journal is that you can go back and review it, to remind yourself what you’re doing and why.
Your outside doesn’t need to match your inside.
You can feel terrified inside, but just pretend to be brave for one minute. By doing that, you were actually brave.
You might be a total introvert, but need to attend an event, so you act social for one hour. By pretending to be social, you were.
I wasn’t usually in the mood to be a good dad. But knowing how important it is, I’d collect my strength and do the right thing for a few minutes or hours — a short burst of being who my boy needed me to be. After years of that, we have an amazing relationship, and he tells everyone he has the best dad ever.
You are your actions. Your actions are you. Your self-image doesn’t matter as much.
When you realize what you need to do, it doesn’t mean that’s who you need to be. You can just pretend.
People have always made up nonsense, and made others believe it. That’s nothing new. But now computers create text that sounds human, and video that looks like a recording of reality.
Cultures of the world have always had conflicting worldviews, but they used to stay more isolated. Diplomats would negotiate. But now everyone is connected all of the time, so these clashing definitions of right and wrong are an everyday problem.
For both of these, it helps to see almost nothing as necessarily true.
Saying “So what?” sounds dismissive. But really it’s asking an important question. “So what are you going to do about it?”
You see a video of an important person saying something shocking. Is it taken out of context? Is it fake and actually generated by a computer?
You argue with someone who has different beliefs. You try to get them to face the facts. They try the same with you.
The news is reporting something about the economy or a war. Is it false or propaganda? Do they have a hidden agenda?
The main lesson of this book applies: Instead of asking if it’s true, ask yourself if it’s useful to you. What are you going to do about it? Will it really change your actions? If not, what does it matter?
I have so much more to say on this subject, but this book is done now because short books are useful. So the conversation continues on the website:
There you will find more thoughts and stories around “Useful Not True”. Please email me with any questions or thoughts. I reply to every one. Go to:
To share my books with others, get them directly from me with quantity discounts, at:
I hope you found this book useful, not true.
—— Derek Sivers
New Zealand May 2024
If you want to know more about me or my work, go to sive.rs. It’s all there.
Any questions, or just saying hello, go to sive.rs/contact to email me.
— Derek