Accidents happen
P.J O'Rourke
They say that accidents happen, but that doesn’t mean you should just sit back and let them happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself, That way, you’re in control of the situation.
They say that accidents happen, but that doesn’t mean you should just sit back and let them happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself, That way, you’re in control of the situation.
My terrible knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Antiques roadshow has been running so long that it used to be called tomorrows world.
His luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Save money on energy bills by boiling water in bulk and freezing it for later.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I once went on a date with a girl with a prosthetic leg. The date went well but she was confused why I bought a fake leg with me.
An accountant is someone who solves problems you never know you had, in a way you don’t understand.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn’t have electricity, we’d be watching TV by candle light?
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
A mate of mine died after tripping and falling into a bonfire. He was a great guy.
I discovered I had dyslexia the hard way: I showed up at a toga party dressed as a goat.
I used to date a girl who had a twin and people used to ask me how I told them apart. It was easy because Katie always painted her nails red, whereas Bob had a cock.
I make decisions quickly but I find choosing the right decision to make can take months.
If you can’t beat them then what’s the point in having a wife and kids?
If you don’t make it into the office on Saturday, then don’t bother coming back in on Sunday.
I fell off a roof and broke my leg. The insurance man told me that the accident policy covered falling off the roof, but not hitting the ground.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Have you ever noticed how women get to smell of real things? Vanilla, Lavendar, Rose. But men have to smell of concepts. What the fuck is “Cool Sport Rush”.
Through careful analysis of this condition, scientists have been able to derive the equation. Mind = Blown. Sadly this equation has proven entirely useless.
I think the best characteristic of my personality is my modesty. It’s just one of the things what makes me so fucking brilliant.
I went to Florida Space Center to become an astronaut, but the scientists were not very supportive. They just said things like “you’re not qualified” and “why are you naked” and “I can’t catch him if he’s covered in baby oil”.
I once dated a girl who talked about her ex so much even I ended up missing him.
His singing voice is said to hold mystical powers, it once made a blind man deaf.
I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.
Everyone in comedy has a single moment when the realise “I want to go into comedy”. Mine happened on the train to London going to do a job I hated.
We all sat on this train gloomy and depressed and then a voice came over the PA: Ladies and Gentlemen we are very sorry to say that this train is delayed as there is a person under the train.
A horribly tragedgy. We’re all depressed, we’re all gloomy, and now we’re all late for work because there’s a person under the train.
And at that very moment I look up and there’s a poster for a big commedy festival. That’s when it hit me, that’s when I realise what I want to be: I want to be a person under the train.
But before I do that might as well try comedy.
Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn’t understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?
Of course I laughed at her anyway, because I didn’t want to be rude.
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one’s a match for me and my kettle.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every day at 9am in the park